Tears of the Dragon
I am feeling incredibly upset as of this moment. I am in tears as I type this. Not frenzied or panicky or anything, just really sad and mentally fatigued and, naturally, depressed.
This is the nature of the illness I suppose, but if anything brings it on, it’s ridiculous stuff. I am distressed as I received a letter from work telling me I have to go to an occupational health assessment. That’s bad enough in itself as it is utterly panic-inducing, because it’s an unfamiliar and formally conscribed situation. Not something I cope well with at the best of times. What is even worse is that it is on Tuesday coming. Stupid fucking bastards, couldn’t they have the decency to give me some notice? This means, of course, that I don’t have a chance to mentally prepare for this with C. It would have been bad enough if I did have that opportunity. Fuck. Fuck.
However, although I was rattled and somewhat panicked by this, it was a ridiculous scene in a TV cop drama that set off these stupid fucking tears. I normally find violence on TV mildly amusing, which is clearly fucked up in itself, but in this – Tuesday night’s episode of The Wire – it showed you this wee man having his throat slit after a promise that he’d be released by his captors. Betrayal. I felt the bloke was cute – not in the American ‘sexy’ sense, but cute in the ‘aww, look at the lovely little fucking bunny’ sense.
Why? Why do I care about some actor pretending, in front of a camera, to get killed? It’s not The Wire’s admittedly penetrating scripting and storylines that set me off, as plenty of similar situations have gone before in the series, and the character was fairly insignificant.
I do this ‘cute’ thing a lot, though more often it’s in the form of feeling ‘sorry’ for stuff – usually inanimate objects, sometimes animals and only occasionally humans. Example – I saw a game on the iPhone App ‘Store’ that had a ‘cute’ icon. I felt sorry for the character depicted in the icon so I just bought the game, even though I had no idea if it was any good. This is a relatively mild example too, but the first one that came to mind.
It is the same with the bloke on the TV. I felt sorry for his character – not only was he betrayed, but more importantly from my perspective, he was cute. Ludicrous. I suppose I was emotionally fragile anyway, after some of the stuff with C this morning and then the letter from bastarding work. These factors do not make this behaviour any less worthy of incredulity, however.
A is trying to be nice to me by providing lots of hugs and obligatory tea, so I’m sure I’ll live.
I am only recording this absolute nonsense to see if, over time, I can spot triggers for shit like this, or trends or whatnot. It could in the long-term be insightful, even if right now it feels ridiculous.
This entry was posted on Thursday, 7 May, 2009 at 9:09 pm and is filed under Moods, Triggers with tags anxiety, clinical depression, depression, insanity, insomnia, madness, major depressive disorder, mental health, mentalhealth, Psychotherapy, sadness, social anxiety, tears, therapy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.