Simultaneous Mania and Depression

I should have added in my earlier post that another phenomenon I experience is being completely manic whilst also extraordinarily upset.  This is one of the most disturbing states that I can ever be in, and it freaks A out to the point where he is actually scared.  Luckily he has only witnessed it once.

If mania is uncommon for me, then this state is even more so – or at least the outward manifestations of it are.  I don’t exhibit the relevant behaviour commonly.  In the incident that A saw, I was laughing and crying at the same time, rambling on about something, finding it hilarious that I was so fucking miserable.  It is hard to articulate how it felt, but what it looked like was the behaviour of someone genuinely and completely psychotic and worthy of a place in a secure psychiatric unit.  Intellectually this is interesting for me, but of course it is a deeply unsettling situation to be in.

I say that the outward manifestations of this are very infrequent.  However, I am increasing feeling like this.  I am horribly depressed yet I find it hilariously funny, my thoughts are disjointed, inarticulate and speedy, and although behaving in a manic fashion is relatively unusual for me, being overexcited and hyper and restless mentally is not.

I don’t know.  I can’t even describe this properly, and it probably makes no sense relative to a lot of other stuff I have written (or even in and of itself).  But that’s symptomatic of how disordered my brain is, I suppose.  I am just fucking insane.

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2 Responses to “Simultaneous Mania and Depression”

  1. journey2balance Says:

    What you wrote here makes sense to me! My spouse doesn’t fit the standard “rules” of bipolar where “rapid cycling” is a max of “4 times a year.” BUNK! Whoever wrote that is rather disconnected from what real people suffering with mental illness are grappling with! In a way, reading this helps me know that my spouse and I are not “crazy” in that we don’t fit all the DSM molds. Thanks for sharing this stuff… it’s risky… but helps others.

    • Hey, thanks for the comment 🙂

      It really mystifies me that the DSM classifies rapid cycling as more than four times per year. That’s nothing! I wonder if they’d consider revising that for the upcoming DSM-V, because it doesn’t seem to bear any resemblence to reality to me either.

      With the knowledge I’ve gained of my specific diagnoses since I wrote this post, I now see the state I wrote about here as a bipolar mixed state. However, in a way there’s certainly elements of ultradian rapid cycling, and I would be a rapid cycler in general.

      I’ve been reading your blog quite a bit lately and also find it helpful in knowing I’m not alone out there in experiencing this 🙂 I also think that’s it brilliant that you have been so good about your spouse’s illness. Not that I’m saying you shouldn’t be, but so many people run at the first sign of mental health difficulties, so it’s refreshing to see someone standing right by their other half 🙂

      My partner A knew about my depression (as I then thought it was) before we met in person (we met on the internet), but didn’t really have to deal with any of it until I had a major breakdown in 2006. It was a complete and utter mystery to him, and there were plenty of bloody “just pull yourself together”s – not a good thing to say. He’s learnt over time, though, and nowadays is much more defensive of me than I’d ever be.

      It’s heartening to know there’s other good ones like him out there 🙂

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