Wills and Spills – Incensed and Need Advice

I am very, very, very fucking angry.

I am supposed to have gone to bed but came to the computer just to print something for C before doing so, and accidentally stumbled across something that has incensed me more than I have been in a long time.

I have made brief reference to GA and MA in the USA.  GA is my mother’s sister and MA my father’s brother.  They have one son, CA.

V died in 2007 of his chronic MS or something.  I don’t really know and I really don’t care what the exact circumstances were.

In the wake of his death, he left all his money (not at all insubstantial due to all the long-term benefits he’d been receiving) to CA, CA’s bint and their brats.  Absolutely nothing was left to either my mother or me.  What was insulting about this was not that V did it – V was a wanker, so I didn’t expect any better of him.  What was insulting was that CA accepted it, and that his parents were accepting of this.  Apparently, this was justified on the grounds that CA was fulfilling a dying man’s wish.

GA admitted to me that CA was not aware of the full circumstances of V’s abuse, whinging that it was “so hard” to admit to “one’s son that one’s own flesh and blood could do such heinous things”.  Boofuckinghoo.  What was especially annoying was that CA and especially his slut felt so piteous of V, and this infuriated me, as he was a cunt who did not deserve any attention, no less pity.  So I told CA the entire circumstances myself.  It was mainly to stir shit, I admit.  I was really angry with GA (and MA) for not providing CA and wife with all the information and thus leaving him blind in terms of making a decision as to his view on V.

CA emailed back saying that he and HAA, his wife, were “mostly aware of the circumstances,” having inferred them from titbits of information he’d garnered over the years.  This infuriated me even more, as they were mostly cognisant of events, yet they still felt pity for V.

All these cunts (GA, MA, CA, HAA) purport to be Christians and seem to me to justify just about any action on the grounds that it is the fucking will of God.

The above is a brief summary.  I could write more, but then I will get into an entire post about it, which is not what I want at this time of night, especially when there is C in the morning.  I am writing this because I need your advice on how to proceed.

Basically, my mother decided some months ago that my various mental health issues (the ones of which she is aware, anyhow) were suitable information to be shared with the family, including GfuckingA, whom I have always despised due to her patronising of me, her proselytising at me, her constant whinging about my weight, her “advice” on my depression (her interfering, in short).

Well, Mummy Dearest was very clever and left her email client running tonight when I came her to print the thing for C.  And lo and behold wasn’t this fucking shite staring back at me, from GA.  The bolded parts especially disgust me, but it is all horrendous:

“I’m truly sorry that SI is feeling so bad but I’m glad that at long last she is seeing someone.  Hopefully since she likes this psychologist, he will be able to help her.  I am really sorry that things after V”s death only made matters worse.  That’s what you, M and I were all afraid would happen.  [Cos you always know best, fuckface.] I feel in a very awkward position since C was the one V left money to.  Actually, the situation caused C great, great anxiety too. [Boohoo.  Good.] It is only recently that I found out that he agonized and agonized over the situation after he found out how V had left things.  The last thing he wanted to do was cause conflict with you and SI.  It was so bad that he had panic attacks over it and had to go to the doctor, but he never even let me know, as he didn’t want me and M to worry.  Sometimes I do wish that SI would have gone to see her father. Although I have no proof, of course, I think he didn’t even remember that he had a daughter.  It was only with prompting that he remembered who I was [I wish I could have inherited some of his selective amnesia, bitchfuck] and he had known me when he had a young mind.  Really his mind was totally shot in the last few years of his life.  If she had seen him like that, she might have been able to forgive him, as she would have seen that he was no longer the person who had done all the terrible things to you and her. Forgiveness is a central thing in our well-being.  When Jesus said for us to forgive people, it was not for the benefit of those we forgive, but rather for our benefit.  Otherwise, we are locked in a spiral of anger and bitterness that eats away at us. And, of course, how we feel doesn’t impact the other person one bit, either positive or negative.  If we could bring down punishment on them by not forgiving, it might help us a bit by giving us a feeling of justice, but that doesn’t happen.  It isn’t easy to truly forgive, but I have found out the hard way that if I can forgive, it lifts a huge burden off me.  In any case, both M and I are wishing SI the best, regardless of what she feels about us.”

Well, fuck me fucking sideways with an eight-legged duck wearing a strap-on.  WHO THE FUCKING FUCK DOES THE SANCTIMONIOUS OLD CUNT THINK SHE IS?

How dare she wank on about God and forgiveness?  How fucking dare she?  How fucking fucking fucking fucking dare she?!!!!!!!!!  I cannot articulate how much I wish harm and malevolence on her.

I stormed into the living room and ranted at my mother for engaging in these conversations.  She accused me of snooping, which is not the case at all.  She should learn how to work a fucking computer if she doesn’t want her emails exposed.

I don’t blame V for forgetting about her.  I wish I could have selective amnesia about the old cunt too.  She misses the point entirely too that I am not so much angry with V about the will, but them, although admittedly she seems to grasp that elsewhere.

It offends me greatly that she feels she has the requisite moral high ground to feel in a position to patronise me (indirectly, admittedly) about forgiveness.  V did not and does not deserve my forgiveness.  I do not want to forgive him.  If that eats me up inside, so be it.  I would rather be bitter for the rest of my life than even contemplate what she is suggesting.  As I have admitted, I miss the father I never had.  But I do not feel that V could ever have been worthy of my forgiveness, regardless of how decrepit or ill he may have been.

In any case, it is a different issue.  Their handling of the will was what my mother had seemingly been referring to, not my attitudes towards V.  It is their fault, not V’s.

I appreciate that this might sound irrational to readers, but as I say, I have only summarised the story.  They handled it entirely and wholly inappropriately, and the most offensive thing of all is that they can’t even recognise it.  And they will still expect me to behave like the perfect little fucking niece when they visit Norn Iron next month, regardless of what they think I think about them.

I am strongly fighting the urge to respond to this.  I want to tell her (in as calm, diplomatic but assertive terms as possible) what she can do with her concept of forgiveness, and how insulting I find it that she feels I ought to forgive V and everyone else.

Basically, I was thinking something along these lines:

“Dear G

I understand that you have been communicating with my mother in relation to my mental health problems.  I would like to make clear to you, as I have done to her, that these issues are of a private nature, except where I choose for them to be otherwise, and are thus not a suitable discussion for you and her to conduct via email or any other media.

Before you leave the issue entirely, however, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that I find it an indictment of both myself and my mother that you opine that I should have visited V prior to his demise.  I find it especially insulting that you feel he was worthy of my forgiveness, and that I am causing myself harm by wishing to not engage in such a process.  To be honest with you, I would rather be bitter for the rest of my life than even contemplate what you are suggesting, and frankly V is only part of the problem.  In broad terms, whilst I am still dealing with residual issues pertaining to V, I broadly see him as an irrelevance and the fact that you believe his influence is so much stronger than it is demonstrates quite clearly to me that you know not of what you speak.

I am sure you and your God have plenty more choice words on the matter, but I would recommend that they are shared only between you and He and not me nor anyone else in our family circle.

Thank you for respecting my wishes.

Regards

SI”

Not only has this whole matter angered me intensely (as if you couldn’t tell), it has deeply distressed me.   Currently experiencing panic-mania-worry-freak-out-thing.

I need your advice, readers.  Please help.  Please, please tell me what I should do.  Should I stand up for myself or let it pass?  I don’t know what to do.  Why is my family such a complicated mess?  Why do I share genes with these people?  Someone just let me die.

😦

(Please forgive any spelling, grammatical, syntax, punctuation errors or poor choice of words in the foregoing.  As you can probably tell I have been writing this in a frenzy and thus my typing, probably much like my mind, is not in any way rational).

UPDATE: Response from A.  Do you agree?  Am I being unreasonable?

“My love, all that I can say is that G appears to be approaching this from a perfectly honest standpoint.  She appears to feel genuinely sorry that the money situation arose, and feels that C made a difficult choice.  It is not a choice I happen to agree with, as you know, but at least the implication is that he did not simply accept the money without thought.  However, one could argue that it is almost worse that he thought about it deeply and still managed to conclude that it was better to accept the money.  I think the very least he could have done, if he agonised about it, is to have explained the decision to you.  After all, he must have realised that it would not have been well received.  He must have felt that there was some form of injustice – otherwise why agnoise about it at all?

In terms of the Jesus and forgiveness thing, unfortunately that is her deeply held belief.  In her own mind, she believes that forgiveness is an effective tool and that it would take a weight from you mind if you were able to do it.  She does not feel that it benefits the person forgiven, but the forgiver.  I can see a certain logic in this, though of course there are plenty of other perspectives that are equally legitimate.  To us unfortunately there is no logic in a religious position, just as you have said there is – at times – no logic or rationale behind some of the things that are in your mind.  Religion is just another form of perception with no evidential base – but then what form of perception does have an evidential base, he says solipsistically?

My view is that you should not respond.  You can make your feelings perfectly clear by not meeting her during her visit over the summer.  I suspect this is what your mum’s conversation with her may touch upon anyway.  Perhaps she was explaining, in advance, that you were reluctant to be present for the visit.  I have no idea what sparked the conversation – perhaps that, or perhaps an account of your illness.  I am sure your mum talking about your illness still annoys you, but you must be used to it by now since, in her view, “family” is so important.

I don’t think G’s’ view changes anything.  In some ways, this puts her in a better light than before.  It suggests that she did not urge C to accept the money and was unaware of his thinking at the time.  However, it is interesting that she herself predicted some form of adverse reaction from you but nevertheless did not appear to recommend to C some other form of action.

Leave it be, pet.  This does not really change anything, as far as your perceptions of that lot go.  Responding would only cause the type of friction that you are anxious to protect your mother from.  You’re entitled to be angry, but this is not the kind of trigger that I would think changes any of the fundamental facts, of which you are already aware.”

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8 Responses to “Wills and Spills – Incensed and Need Advice”

  1. […] Read more: Wills and Spills – Incensed and Need Advice […]

  2. I agree with A. I think there is an element of carthatsis (however ephemeral) in having written the email reply and published it to the world. I’m not sure anything wothwhile would come from sending it, but then that is very easy for me to say. I can completely understand why you feel so angry, but, like A says, the most effective way to deal with this is to let it lie and make your feelings known by your absence when these people visit.

    • Serial Insomniac Says:

      Thanks W. I am not even sure that my absence in July will make them think in any way differently, but at least it will upset them.

      Perhaps I should drive back up to Therapy Corner and scream expletives at rams? That’s good transference 🙂

      Take care x

  3. I wish I could help. I sort of agree with her about forgiveness (well I would cos I’m the Christiany type) but it’s deeply inappropriate for her to try and foist that upon you. You have to find your own path through the fucked up mire of bleurgh that is life. I’m coming to see forgiveness not as something you say or do ‘I forgive you and now everythings fucking lovely’ but as a similar sort of psychological process as therapy. I reckon it’s the same journey of understanding, learning, dealing with the emotions and finding a way to move on. I dunno maybe I’m just spouting shite.

    I’m a remarkably passive person as you might have noticed but I don’t think I would send anything to anyone til you’ve had a couple of weeks minimum to mull over it. I’ve been known to write evil letters (not the ones at issue in the blog) put them in an envelope without reading them for a couple of weeks then opening them. I’m usually shocked when I read them afterwards. You might find you want to change what you write then.

    But on the other hand I don’t know your family. I don’t know how they react and how they behave. I don’t know if they’re the fucked up annoying kind of Christian (like those I grew up with) or the lovely kind and caring type (like Fr S).

    On the other hand, because I appear to have finally developed a third hand, maybe sending her a link to the blog and letting her see how things REALLY are might make her wind her neck in. But thats an extremely dangerous path to go down and on second thoughts I’m going to amputate that third hand and it no longer exists.

    Anyway, enough dribble. Please sweetie take care and remember you’re a tough auld bitch 😉

    Hugsxxxx

    • Serial Insomniac Says:

      Not dribble or shite. Well put. I totally agree that the concept of forgiveness is a process. The impression I got from G, although admittedly she does say it is difficult, is that she feels that it is just something that can be done as and when, which is clearly horseshit.

      As it happens, I do in many ways agree that it is logical to engage in the process in general. For example, I am trying to work towards forgiving MMcF’s husband. But the thing is, I do not want to forgive V and it really pisses me off that she believes he is worthy of my taking the time and mental effort to do so.

      Anyway, we’ve both got this far, so we must both be tough auld bitches 😉

      Thanks hun as ever. Take care xxx

  4. I would find it very hard to keep my mouth shut but from past & present experience it really is most effective to be absence when they vist, it really is VERY effective and makes THEM think what they have done/said.

    • Serial Insomniac Says:

      The thing is though, she has no conception of what she and her cunty family have done. She believes they have behaved with honour. When I refuse to see them in July, she will believe that it is a transference of anger, or simply bitterness that I didn’t get a wad of cash. Incidentally, this has never been about money, simply about principle – but I’m sure you know that.

      But I hope you’re right. At the very least my absence will distress them which is always satisfying 🙂

      Thanks love x

  5. Serial Insomniac Says:

    Consensus is to let it pass, then, or at least leave it for a while before considering again whether or not to send it. I will leave it. One thing of interest is that one of the things in DBT is to write letters to both those you love and those you despise. It says that obviously you do not have to send them, but as W suggests above, this can act as catharsis. So maybe plenty more letters to G and her cunts, but no sending 😉

    Thanks for your comments, folks. I do really appreciate it.

    Much love x

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