Reflecting on Being a Psychotic Bitch

I am sure that one does not require the IQ of Einstein or his counterparts to work out, from the last post, that bleakness, futility and utter self-disgust presently permeate my existence. There were precipitating factors, but I am not prepared to discuss them in any detail here.  I do keep this blog primarily for my own reference, but I do not need to document this incident as I will never forget the evil of which I am capable. Never.  Even as I bounce my (very metaphorical) grandchildren about on my knee (if my ‘life’ ever gets that far), my psychotic break on Friday night will never be far from the forefront of my mind.

Rationally, I can tell myself that it wasn’t me behaving in the fashion that I did.  Rationally, I can sit here and say, “well, you’re mentally ill”.  Rationally, I can (and do) accept that I was not in control.

It doesn’t matter.  It isn’t an excuse.  I wouldn’t care if it were just about me, for fuck’s sake I’d gladly do myself in if it were just about me.  But I am ruining other lives as I continue on the destructive path on which my mind seems intent on following.

I rail against the idea of being committed, and to that end have been known to be careful in what I have said to C, LGP and VCB, so as to avoid them instigating a process that would end in that result for me.  Being sectioned, or even voluntary hospitalisation, would be about the most horrendous thing I can imagine – group therapy, disillusioned and overworked (and probably incompetent) staff, being in a ward with other fucking people.  I cannot bear the idea.  It makes me feel physically ill when I even contemplate it.

But I have enough insight, shockingly, to know that this isn’t just about me.  For the sake of my friends and family, it really may be the best option if throwing me in the asylum is exactly what the three of them (or whomsoever) choose to do.

I don’t think I’m being irrational in writing this.  Granted, you (the reader) don’t know the context under which this miserable spiel of crap has been created (with one or two exceptions), but I believe my self-condemnation is wholly appropriate.

I don’t want to have this out with C tomorrow, but I’m going to have to find some way to overcome my cowardice and discuss it all with him, because I have gone too far this time and I can’t guarantee that I’ll have the level of self-control required not to go too far again. Some proponent of the newer types of therapy such as behavioural techniques might wank on about my own responsibility, and yeah, I might be abdicating from my sense of it – I don’t know.  I just know I didn’t at any point choose the behaviour that has disturbed me so profoundly.  It was almost like what I imagine stage hypnosis is; you have some level of awareness, but you are not controlling your mind or body.

This week has been fucking awful.  I would use the phrase ‘downward spiral’, but that would be bollocks, as I’m thoroughly at the bottom of the spiral.

The little social contact I’ve had – on Twitter, in the main – might represent my status this week as relatively mentally intact, but nothing could be further from the truth.  I am still a consummate actress. Thinking about it, I’m narcissistic enough (though not thin enough, admittedly) to have a very successful Hollywood career.  Though that would send me even more insane, if that’s possible.

I’m sorry for turning the comments off in the last post. I figured some well-meaning people might say, “no, you’re not fetid/disgusting/depraved/whatever,” and whilst, indubitably, I appreciate the sentiment behind such words, they are in my present-thinking false words.  I need to reflect on what I have done, even though it causes horrible pain.

I really, really am a vile human being. Well, perhaps I’m not – that’s up for debate – but this mental persona, and whatever nefarious afflictions control it, most assuredly are.


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15 Responses to “Reflecting on Being a Psychotic Bitch”

  1. Girl, Interrupted Says:

    I absolutely 100% understand every single word of this post … from the all~consuming hatred of self to the sense of purposeless that it leaves in its wake. I know that words are entirely trite, and can oftentimes make the situation intolerable, but I wanted to say just a few to let you know that you cannot be entirely vile, evil, horrid or any of the things that you have written.

    Because if you were, you wouldn’t give a monkeys about anybody else, and you wouldn’t share such intimate details of an incredibly painful experience online for others to feel that they too are not alone. In fact, by reading this and your other blog posts, you have made *me* feel less alone, more understood, and that I’m not so alone in this world with this disorder.

    I like to think of us as the dictionary definition of an “aberration” (specifically points 2 & 4)

    1 : the fact or an instance of being aberrant especially from a moral standard or normal state
    2 : failure of a mirror, refracting surface, or lens to produce exact point-to-point correspondence between an object and its image
    3 : unsoundness or disorder of the mind
    4 : a small periodic change of apparent position in celestial bodies due to the combined effect of the motion of light and the motion of the observer

    The motion of light and the motion of the observer ~ ironically in the midst of all your darkness you have brought light to this observer. So thank you.

    Much love xx

    • Proper reply this time!

      If I can make anyone feel less alone, then it makes the effort this blog oftentimes requires absolutely worthwhile. I am so glad that you have found that, and thank you for saying so.

      In particular I love your idea of an ‘aberration’ – and am grateful for your kindness as regards its application to me. That’s a really nice thing to say (and think!).

      Take care and lots of hugs xxx

  2. I wish I could give you a huge hug sweetie. I don’t think you’re all these bad things but I know that means fuck all because I know you believe it and what you believe is what you believe.

    Comfort is difficult to find when things are as bad as they are, when thoughts and feelings are overwhelming you. But you are still here and everyone else is still here and safe. People still see you as someone to care about. I’ve not even met you and I care about you 😉

    Please talk to C in the morning. I know how hard it’ll be. I don’t think you’ll be locked up (but what the fuck do I know) but if you’re not straight with him he can’t help you. As humiliating and horrible and scary as it is thats the truth. At some point you have to decide to trust him and I think this might be that point. Horrible though it is. Also I think you need to discuss support between sessions too – the cmht or a cpn or whatever.

    Please look after yourself. I care about you. Hugs xxx

    • You’re right hun. Everything you say is correct. It kind of feels like it should be a turning point; I have images of sitting with him tomorrow begging for help so as this doesn’t happen again. I’ll try my best to make it a reality. One way or another I’ll tell him the gory details and ask who I am meant to contact in such extreme circumstances.

      Thank you as always. Your comments, despite what you may think, are always well-observed, sensible and supportive. I do appreciate it. And the caring is mutual 🙂 Also wish I could give you a huge hug too as I know things are hardly hunky-dory at your end :-/

      Take care pet and thanks again xxxx

  3. WOW, COOL! Can you say passion! You should pat yourself on your back. No matter how much your disorder throws you for a loop you run with it. Up. Down. All around! You give your disorder a run for it’s money.

    IMHO – you celebrate life no matter how much despair it delivers. I do know how it can pile on people by looking at the crap it has given me. Just remember – your not alone.

  4. What can I say, here, SI? You and I both know what I have just been through. No matter how much someone might try to tell you that what you are “feeling” (don’t roll your eyes TOO much LOL) is part of the disorder, they are your feelings pure and simple. The fact that you can label your feelings beyond the initial one of anger is a step that most of us are unwilling to take. I laugh, because the dreaded DBT tools that come to mind are “radical acceptance” and “wise mind.” Yeah, we already know about their “usefulness!” My heart goes out to you because I can say with personal authority that I am the mirror reflection. Take heart in knowing that you are not alone. The mere presence of the other comments posted here will validate that fact. Here is what I can tell you: you ARE incredibly intelligent, wise and insightful beyond your years, generous of heart (and don’t try to dispel that one; I know this from the many kind, supportive discussions we have had) and unabashedly honest—all quite admirable traits that you should reflect upon (strike the previous word “should” as that implies a value judgment that I am not intending to apply—only to say that when you are in a space to reflect upon these attributes, at least know that my opinion is said with loving kindness).

  5. You’re spreading drive-by wisdom to the masses. Did you know?

  6. Just a thought: I too have done terrible embarrassing things that i”m ashamed of. I too have treated those who love me with heartbreaking disdain. As you might know, I have spent time in a mental hospital. But what if going to the hospital meant getting better quicker? I say this because it started working for me. It’s not perfect, but it’s a controlled environment that allows quicker med changes, including dosage changes as well as actual med changes. You deserve to be happy, lady. So is it better to be “not free” inside your walls of self-loathing or “not free” inside the walls of a mental hospital? At least there is hope inside the walls of the loony bin. Status quo isn’t working. We all care about you and want you to be happy.

    • Thank you CM. I appreciate your kind words as always 🙂

      I was convinced a few months ago that I’d be involuntarily committed, but it seems as time goes on that my healthcare professionals – perhaps with LGP’s exception, though I only see him every eight weeks – don’t entirely take me seriously, so I don’t think it’s imminent anymore.

      However, things in the last, say, fortnight-ish have been possibly the worst they have ever been – the psychoses are out of control, and I am in genuine fear for my life. Not so much because I’m more suicidal than normal, but because a nebulous ‘they’ keep telling me to do myself in.

      I’ll write about it in more detail in a post when I can be arsed, but basically I am strongly considering voluntary admission. It’s a bit different here, what with the NHS and everything, to how it is in the States, but I can either ask LGP to have me assesses (I’m seeing him next week) or, in an urgent situation, an out-of-hours doctor or Casualty (ER).

      I really, really don’t want it. I really don’t. It’s a measure of my current desperation, and the fact that things are out-of-control serious, that I am giving this consideration to it. I blame Dr C / VCB for not adequately medicating me!

      Anyway – thanks again. You take care of yourself and please know that your good wishes are very much appreciated 🙂 x

  7. Hon, I’m right here with you. Having just been released myself from being sectioned, I have an inlking to what might be going through your mind. If you really really think that admitting yourself is the safest option for you right now, just know that all of us will be here for you upon your discharge. One thing I ask, luv, is to keep us posted. I don’t want to jump to any comclusions when you go off the grid upon admission. Hugs & kisses…Alix

  8. I pray that you have the courage to go to the hospital. The voices aren’t going to want you to go because they don’t want to die. They’ll try hard to keep you from committing yourself, but as you realize they’re taking over more and more of your reality. Please do something before they ingratiate themselves so well that they convince you to take your life. We all care about you, and I personally know what I’m talking about when i say the voices will try their damndest to keep you unmedicated or at least under-medicated. Hang in there ! We’re all rooting that you win this battle rather than the voices!

  9. Thanks girls. They’re nattering away at the back of my mind, though are not especially annoying at present. They get pissed off at A because he is critical of them, so now my fear is that they will set me on him. I’m trying to ride this out until I see either the psychiatrist or the GP next week, but if something needs to be done before, then it does. Apparently to voluntarily admit yourself here you need to speak to a medical doctor first, and I’d prefer it was one of my own, what with their familiarity with my history. But whatever happens happens…

    I’ve now discussed it with several people and although no one wants a hospitalisation, it is agreed that it is worth considering.

    Thank you both for your support, and should I end up in the bin, don’t worry – I’ll keep you informed. If they don’t take my mobile phone from me, I’ll blog from the place 😉

    Take care all, hugs xxx

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