The Beauty of Blood
I have been incredibly good recently and haven’t self-harmed for about a fortnight. That’s good going for me since May.
That does not mean it isn’t on my mind, though. I think about it almost all the time – well, either self-harm or suicide. As things stand right now, it isn’t about feeling pain, or distracting myself from the mental agony of a severe mixed state or whatever. It is about a desire to watch the blood. The beautiful, dark, flowing krovvy.
A lot of other cutters get this, but I’m not sure normals do, or frankly ever will. At least in part that’s probably because it’s so difficult to articulate why watching your own self-inflicted wounds bleed has such ethereal beauty.
One argument is that it’s like watching the psychological pain flow away, however temporarily. However, when that pain can be contained (as in my present case), I’m not sure to what extent that point of view is applicable.
I think – for me, at present – it’s symbolic in a different sort of way. It’s such a perfect delight at the time because, by average societal standards, it is a dark and forbidden pursuit in which to engage. Enjoying it, wanting it – nay, needing it, at times – that’s “bad”, right? Yet it isn’t when you’re me.
It is beautiful because it’s representative of the darkness that inhabits me, and becomes a temporary acceptance that it might just be OK to be so internally flawed. That my ‘real’ being, with all her twisted, gruesome little thoughts, might just be, in some sense, a beautiful persona.
Of course the effect is, as stated, temporary, and the endorphins that (presumably) create this illusion leave after a short while, and you feel all the more fetid and grotesque looking at the scars that scatter your body.
But in that one glorious moment, it seems worth it.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, 28 October, 2009 at 11:11 pm and is filed under Moods, Random Mental Health Related Philosophising, Triggers with tags anger, anxiety, bipolar 2, bipolar 2 disorder, bipolar disorder, bipolar II, bipolar II disorder, borderline personality disorder, bpd, cutting, depression, insanity, madness, major depressive disorder, manic depression, mental health, mixed episode, mixed state, panic, panic attack, psychiatry, psychology, sadness, self harm, suicidal ideation, suicide ideation. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.