Mad versus Bad, Stockholm Syndrome and Defending HIM

The phenomenon of Stockholm Syndrome has been bandied about a lot in the media recently, in the wake of the Jaycee Lee Dugard abduction and, to a lesser extent, in discussion of the Fritzl case (though I am not sure to what extent Elisabeth Fritzl was affected by it).  There is a particularly good article, by trauma therapist Kathy Broady, on the condition here.

For those of you not familiar with the issue but who don’t have time to follow the links, Ms Broady puts Stockholm Syndrome thus:

It is when victims form positive, caring attachments with their violent perpetrators.  The more victims have to depend on their perpetrators for their very survival, the more likely the victim will form an attachment to their perpetrator…

[Victims] knew that their life and basic survival needs were completely dependent upon keeping the perpetrator happy.  They learned to base their own survival on effectively meeting the needs of the perpetrator, and the perpetrator had the power to decide if they would live or die.  To survive, they became loyal to the perpetrator.

Perpetrators purposefully create this kind of dependence in their victims.

As far as I am aware, and it fairly logically follows given the above set of circumstances, Stockholm Syndrome is most frequently seen in cases of long-term abuse (and is thus not particularly applicable to me).

During a recent documentary on the Dugard case, my mother sat aghast as the narrator described how Kaycee and her two daughters wept as their abuser (and father of the two younger girls) was arrested.  She admitted that, had they randomly told their story without proof, that she would have thought them to be either unforgivable liars or seriously afflicted by folie a trois.  How, she argued, could you care so deeply about a person who had so horribly and systematically abused you?

I spoke to her at length about Stockholm Syndrome, but to little avail.  She understood the concept in theory, I think, but was nevertheless unable to grasp how it could actually be.  The whole idea is so alien to her that she cannot conceive of it being a very real condition, borne – initially at least – out of necessity.

A similar, though distinct, query arose with her when the Fritzl story broke last year.  “But how is it possible for her father to have done this to his daughter?” she despaired.  As with the Dugard case, had the story not been there in black and white, I don’t think she would have believed it.

“He must be mad,” she concluded.

Quite possibly.  Indeed, quite probably.  But at what juncture do we allow abdication from Fritzl’s personal responsibility (not to mention his duty of care to his daughter, morally if not legally at her age), due to the fact he clearly had a twisted and sick brain?  When does bad become mad, and/or vice versa?

Anyway, the point of this post is not to write a psychocriminological masterpiece on Stockholm Syndrome.  I’m only here to say that, although I do not believe for one second that I have it or anything approaching it, I do understand it.

I suspect some of my readers – those few in my real life, in particular – will dislike the latter part of the title of this entry.  “Defending HIM” – ‘Him’ being MMcF’s husband, perhaps unsurprisingly.  I am going to defend him…but, and it is a very BIG ‘but’, that does not mean that I am defending his erstwhile actions towards me.

I mentioned in the last post that I’d explain why I had become less concerned for MW’s welfare so let me clarify that point.  I have been exposed to Paedo in large doses twice recently and have found myself to feel nothing other than overwhelming pity for the man.

In some ways, I have done for many years, but he was so much a shadow of his former self of late that the sense of sorriness felt all the more palpable.  I think I have alluded to the fact before that he is mental too, suffering from some unspecified psychotic disorder.  He, like me, takes Olanzapine to counteract it, and it has been effective in its indicated usage.  But he is now incredibly depressed regardless.

So what, SI?  (a) Doesn’t he deserve to be and (b) depression is treatable, so why are you decreasingly concerned for MW?

(a) Well, yes, maybe he deserves to be.  But the man has had no life.  His life, for as far back as I can remember, has been nothing more than a pathetic existence.  He was forced to marry MMcF when they were both very young, as she was up the stick (a reviled state of affairs in the ’50s), and he has been under her tenacious grip ever since.

As I have stated on the page about the people in my life, at face value MMcF is a lovely woman.  The reality, however, is that she is domineering, manipulative, cruel and overwhelmingly demanding.  I consider it no coincidence that the two of her children that still live with her – S and K – both have no lives.  In their 40s now, they will never leave that house.  I also consider it no coincidence that S had very severe social phobia and still has depression (she claims she has bipolar disorder, but none of us have ever witnessed anything approaching even hypomania, and she only takes Venlafaxine, no mood stabilisers.  But what do I know) and indeed that Paedo is severely delusional.  The two other sons eventually escaped, but are nevertheless intrinsically linked to every brick of the house’s build, as are their children.  S’s daughter seemingly escaped but her, her husband and little MW might as well move in because they are always there.

The hold is enforced by MMcF.  Frankly I am scared of her.

Now, re: Paedo.  Well, given his entrapment, I actually can understand a willingness on his part to stray.  Could he separate from her, divorce her?  He could – or could have, more accurately – but even if he had, she would have manipulated him back.  I guarantee it.

So, yes, I feel sorry for him, and long since have.  MMcF does nothing but criticise him, and yet he serves her and complies with her selfish desires without complaint, and endlessly worries about her health and welfare (neither of which are great).

It does not, however, condone child molestation, because quite clearly nothing does.  No matter how shite his life may be, may long since have been, I did not deserve to be raped by him (nor, of course, by anyone else).

All I am saying is that the person is distinct from the act, no matter how heinous or twisted that act is, so I have the ability to feel pity for this man, who did this most horrid of things to me.  I don’t like him, and I most certainly do not love him, but I feel regret that he’s had such a waste of a life, and if I can feel that, then I can completely understand how in more serious cases of abuse that that could progress to compliance, submission, friendship and even love.

(b) Yes, depression is treatable, and Paedo may well be able to be treated for same.  Still, it is very chronic, and with the aforementioned shitty life, will be all the more difficult to shift.  We have a saying in Ireland: if a person is perceived to be on their last legs or just otherwise haggard and decrepit, it is often said that they are “done”.  Well, Paedo is thoroughly and utterly done.  Quite honestly, death would be a mercy to the man.

So on the balance of probability now, I am fairly sure that he simply isn’t either physically or mentally capable of posing a threat to MW, MW’s impending sibling, or any other member of that (or any other) generation.  He is beyond it.

Of course, I am not, and cannot be, 100% certain of this – who is ever 100% of anything?  As such, I will remain vigilant and will tune my awareness to any changes in MW’s behaviour as finely as possible.  If I think for a second that the child is under threat, I will act.  I will break Paedo’s neck myself if needs be.  However, I do genuinely not perceive this as likely at the present time.

To address my mother’s points vis a vis the sad Dugard and Fritzl cases.

If you, mother, find it so hard to accept Kaycee and her children’s attachment to their abuser, consider proportionally the defence your daughter has just given of hers.  Does it seem so alien now?

Furthermore, as stated Stockholm Syndrome develops of necessity – in the case of most long-term trauma victims, because they cannot escape the situation, so it is better to ’embrace’ (for want of a better word) what the abuser wants, in order to make life somewhat more tolerable.  In my case, evidently a less serious one, I would also say that some of my reaction to Paedo has developed of necessity.

I have basically accepted him, and I have kept the story to myself, to save an entire extended family.  Others could have been abused, I know, and I will never stop wondering if I could have prevented that – but I would have had to go to the police, alone, as a traumatised child, and with a total lack of evidence, what would have happened anyway?  So, with the best will in the world, I could hardly have prevented harm to that generation, and so I did all I could in the circumstances – I tried to keep the family my mother loves together.  And now I am looking out for the next generation’s welfare, which is the best I can do now.  I cannot ruin a family over an incident 16 years ago for which I have no evidence.

So no, abused individuals do not automatically hate and reject their abusers, for a multitude of reasons.

Finally, why is it really so impossible to believe that close relatives can and do abuse those close to them?  Many readers will be aware that most acts of sexual violence are perpetrated by someone known to the victim.*  Well, I can’t say the rape and the overt sexual behaviour were particularly systematic in my case but still – he was my uncle, I was his niece, so there you go.

* Child Sexual Abuse Fact Sheet, National Child Traumatic Stress Network –

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9 Responses to “Mad versus Bad, Stockholm Syndrome and Defending HIM”

  1. A bit like your mother, I can understand the concept of Stockholm Syndrome in an academic sense, but find it difficult to envisage myself holding your view on this matter. Whilst I appreciate that this individual’s life has not been the best, I am somewhat mystified as to why you might feel sorry for him in particular, given your wide-ranging contempt for most members of the species homo sapiens. Is he not worthy of the disdain with which you (and I) often view others? Just thoughts.

    • Well, quite. The thing is I do hold him in contempt. Very much so. More than your average person, and as you rightly say most of them aren’t exactly high on my ‘like’ list.

      It’s just that ‘contempt’ and ‘pity’, for me at least, are not mutually exclusive. I don’t like him. I don’t hate him, but I certainly don’t like him, and I have utter contempt for that for which he is responsible, and the person that was responsible for it.

      But I think you’d probably agree with me here – he’s not that person any more. In both senses of the word, the man is pathetic. He is a walking shell.

      Perhaps I’m being ridiculous; you know what I’m like with old people. I spend my life feeling sorry for them, often (though not always) regardless of what they’ve done. I don’t know. I just can’t get beyond the idea that it’s such a sad state of affairs that his life has been so pointless and miserable. You know what MMcF is like. You also know that I’ve often said that I wouldn’t wish serious depression on my worst enemy, despite my misanthropy (actually that isn’t 100% true, but Paedo isn’t my worst enemy).

      I guess I am just mental. Onward to C to have it out with him :-/

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  3. Could the defending act on your part be borne of, perhaps, a level of healing on you part to where you are not consumed daily on past acts pressuring you into always evoking the continual emotions of guilt and shame? Your awareness of his past actions will be wise in alerting to you any potential problems that might actually arise as this child ages. However, reaching the point where you have altered your attitude towards him may have given you some level of power over your own abusive history with him. Just some thoughts, here, hon.

    I certainly understand your actions regarding not wanting to upset the apple cart, as it were, with your family relations. In my case, I was vigorously forced into silence by a domineering mother that would not allow the acceptance of what happened to me infect her family. To this day, we cannot talk about it. Thankfully, my brother never had children, nor was he able to proceed with his actions on other nieces and nephews that came along for sheer geographical distance. The next time I will see him will be at my mother’s eventual funeral, but I can “use” my emotional state to keep my distance from everyone who propagate this “lie.” I will be able to steel myself from other family members on that day which will allow me to endure those few days.

    • Could the defending act on your part be borne of, perhaps, a level of healing on you part to where you are not consumed daily on past acts pressuring you into always evoking the continual emotions of guilt and shame? […] However, reaching the point where you have altered your attitude towards him may have given you some level of power over your own abusive history with him.

      I think you have made a very good point here my dear – I think the consensus, as discussed in some fashion with the psychologist this morning, was that it was my tendency to dissociate (some of) the memories in my late childhood and teenage years (complicating other problems, plus a difficult period in anyone’s life), but of late, probably because of MW’s relatively recent arrival on the scene, I’ve had it a lot in my mind. So, now that it is out in the open – in my mind at least – how to cope with it? Not feeling overt negativity has been something in my control, at least to some extent, and in that way I think you may well be correct.

      As for keeping quiet, I wonder were we – to some extent – affected by our mothers’ reactions to our revelations? Just a theory, probably not a strong one. I honestly don’t know what I would have done were I not, at least consciously, keeping my mouth shut to protect my mother. To be absolutely honest, insofar as I can be – probably fuck all, just like has been the case. I will never know if I could have prevented him abusing another kid in the time that has passed, but at least I don’t think there is risk to the most recent generation – or do something about it if there is. I am so glad that in your case your brother was denied the opportunity to do anything to other family members – that is some small comfort. Nevertheless, it is horrific that it happened at all, especially given your mother’s reaction.

      Anyway, hun, thanks as everfor your thoughts and your candour. You take care of yourself xxx

  4. I’m still surprised and confused about my own mother’s actions. She was sexually assaulted by her sister’s husband, Charlie, who was 10 years older than her, when she was about 16. So what does she go and do? She chooses him as our god-parent, the person we’re supposed to go live with in case she dies. Go figure! Maybe the Stockholm Syndrome helps explain some of this, but I’m afraid I will never understand. I would NEVER NEVER NEVER put my children in the care of someone who had sexually abused me. Incidentally, the monster of a man systematically raped his own daughter from the time she was about 12, and my mom’s sister supposedly never knew about it. My cousin, needless to say, is a mental mess. Charlie is fortunately dead, as is my aunt Darlene, who died of liver cancer (drank herself to death). How’s that for a dsyfunctional family?

    • I agree with you about one’s children. Although I do feel this odd pity for MMcF’s husband, I would do all in my power to make sure he is never left alone with kids. Fortunately in MW’s case there isn’t any risk of SL leaving him in her grandfather’s care as he is ill enough – physically and mentally – that it would be too much of a strain. Having said that, other people being there didn’t affect his ability to fuck me; it is easy to isolate a child, perhaps by taking it for a walk or something.

      So whilst I can understand your mother not hating this man, I cannot understand knowingly leaving her kids at risk in this way. I am appalled at what he did to his own children. How vile. I am glad he is dead so that he cannot harm anyone else.

      Frankly, I often wish MMcF’s husband would join him. It would be beneficial all round; MW and future children would have a risk eliminated, I would be able to stop worrying on the matter and MMcF himself would probably feel it was a mercy in his very sorry life. Not that he could feel anything were he dead, of course, but…

      Anyway, CM, thanks as ever 🙂 Take care x

  5. I have been Studying ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ as research in my university degree. It is research for a performance I am soon to take part in. The play is called Stockholm and was written by Bryony Lavery – ( ) – I am doing two scenes of the play for my performance. I have been researching into the Dugard / Garrido case, Fritzl case, the origins of the name from the Norrmalmstorg robbery (which I can give information on if you wish.. or you can simply search for it..) and the syndrome in it self. I just wanted to say that this was a very usefull page and insight into my research; that and your link to Kathy Broady’s article which was also the same!

    After reading so much into the Syndrome I actually believe my own father may have had this or a small similar case of it. He used to beat my mother on occasion when I was young (unaware of my presence in the room or near to).. and once he even hit me. My fathers case was obviously not as extreme as the case’s I have studied but I believe that it is a possible scenario. He even beat my dog jasper on occasion. He had a short temper, he was always calm but just blew.

    I myself thinking back to those days think I may have inheritted similar traits or possibly copied what I had seen; in some young childs attempt to power understanding or rather lack of. I (Not mentioned to anyone ever before today) had once or twice beat my dog also… just my dog when I was around the age of 8 (whom I absolutely adored and loved and still do to this day and age of 21). I did this a few times so I guess I can kind of understand what this is all about. However In an attempt not to be like my father (as I was similar, had raging fits, beating my dog etc) I spent one of my summers calming myself with certain techniques and letting things go, not caring about certain things. I have not shown any of the possible traits since and I do not belive I show any traits to this day. It was just a thought of/from when I was younger.

    Thank you for the article. All The Best


    • Hi Spuz

      Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I am so sorry you had to witness and experience your father’s violence. I think that, although it was obviously a bad thing to hit your wee dog, you have every reason to feel proud of yourself – not only did you have the ability to recognise your behaviour as destructive, you did something about it. As far as I can see (and I admit it’s anecdotal) most people in similar situations don’t bother, so kudos to you – that’s brilliant.

      It’s also excellent that you’ve gone on to university and it sounds like you’re doing a really interesting course. I did a little on Stockholm Syndrome during the final year of my undergraduate course and it was fascinating – I’ve maintained an interested in research on same since. Good luck for the rest of your degree – I’m sure you’ll do very well.

      Thanks again, and please come back any time 🙂

      Take care and all the best


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